Pssst...

Hi there! Yes, I'm talking to you, the good people at Edy's. Listen, we all know times are tough. I get that the cost of ingredients is constantly going up. But your new ice cream container, the one that is now one pint less than before? It's pathetic. And you know that, don't you. You're not stupid. And you also know that because I'm addicted to your Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Ice Cream, I will willingly fork over the money like I'm trading cash for smack in a back alley. Well, no more, my ice cream purveying friends! I'm putting myself in ice cream rehab. I will no longer be a pawn in your game.

Okay, who's next?

Ah yes, I see you hiding over there in the corner, Hyatt on Capital Square. Listen, I'm all for advertising events. But I have been staring at that creepy-ass banner of Andy Warhol for eight weeks now! Eight!! And that event ended February 15th, according to said banner. Every morning, as I travel down 3rd Avenue from 670, that scary-looking man with dead eyes is looking at me, sending chills skittering up and down my spine. That's not a good way to start the day. Now, I know time gets away from us all, but you're a hotel. You have special software that keeps track of dates. Now why is it that you can keep track of what time someone makes a call from their room, yet you can't seem to remember that a banner needs to come down from the side of your building? It's three weeks overdue! Haven't we all suffered enough?!?

This is good...let's keep going.

This is an open statement to all of those people who are pulling ALL of their money out of their banks because they think President Obama is going to take it. He's not, you bunch of reactionary twits. He's also not going to seize money from "Republican Banks," nor will he "turn us all Muslim." Ignorance is not bliss, and all you're doing is lengthening the recovery time for this economic crisis. And if you take your money from the bank, hide it in your home, and it gets stolen, please don't cry on the news about it. NOBODY will feel sorry for you. If you are going to do stupid things, you have to expect really rotten outcomes. That's because you clearly need to learn a lesson, and it needs to be appropriately painful so you get it. Like we don't have enough problems already without this.

And last, but not least, it's time you and I had a little chat, whatever your name is who was just on The Bachelor. I don't watch it, so I'm going off what I read and saw online. Let's forget the fact that you have to be a pretty big narcissist to be on the show in the first place. Putting your three year old son on the show with you is awful. What, exactly, is wrong with you?!? And that whole debacle with the two women? Shameful. And as an aside to the second choice, whatever your name is: If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. But good luck. It seems pretty apparent that you two deserve each other.

Now can someone get that kid's mom on the phone and tell her to take some control. For crying out loud, he'll be in therapy at age 5 at the rate he's going.