Look, Cleveland, It's Not You. It's Me.

I know that breakups are hard, but it's really for the best. And trying to keep me here by throwing a foot of snow in my direction just isn't cool. So let's part as friends. We'll remember the good times, but it's better to make a clean break.

Listen, we both knew this was a temporary thing. I know that five years doesn't really seem like "temporary" to you, but you and I both know I would have hightailed it out of here long ago had the conditions been right. You were a waiting room, and now my number's been called.

We did have good times. Do you remember when I met Dave? You helped me meet him, so thanks! How about my first Indians game, when the weather was unseasonably warm in early May? The night was gorgeous, the hot dogs and pretzels were delish, and everyone was in a good mood.

And then you took off the side mirror of the car in some kind of fit.

Okay, maybe a little bit of it was you. Like remember in August of 2003 when we joked about how much fun the power outage at work was? We all got to leave 5 hours early and it was a gorgeous day? We had a picnic in my back yard and lots of people came. That was great. But then two weeks later you decided to take down the entire power system on the northeast grid. That was a little crazy.

Or how about after my first winter here, when I said that I liked snow. I meant that I liked a little bit of snow, in winter, when appropriate. But then you went crazy again and decided to send snow from the beginning of October until the middle of May the next year. You set a record, for crying out loud. 105" of freaking snow in one season, except the "season" included fall, winter and spring! You just don't know restraint.

I need to be in a place that freaks out when 3" of snow falls. I can't be in a place that gets 5-6" and they call it flurries! I'm not all that jazzed about "Lake Effect."

I'm not saying that I won't come back. I will, occasionally. We can still get together to reminisce about the old times. But for now, this is goodbye.