Letters I Would Love To Send

Dear Lady in the Seat to my Left,

Here's the thing...my husband and I came early. We knew what time the movie started and we planned accordingly. That is so we could pick out our seats. You and your husband were late. You chose to shoehorn yourselves into our row, taking the last two seats right as the movie started, even though there were other seats you could have had. I didn't say anything when your husband kept talking to you; I knew he would shut up eventually. And he did. Eventually. But here's the thing...when you get there late, you lose your right to the armrest. I was early. I claimed it. Did you really think I was going to give it up? Please! Next time, show up early.

Dear Every Other Driver on I-71,

It's called the fast lane for a reason. You camping out in it going ten miles less than the other lanes isn't really helping anyone. It doesn't matter that you're going the exact speed limit. Did you miss the signs telling slower traffic to get into the right lane? Guess what? If you're in the left lane and traffic in the other lanes is passing you, you are the slower traffic to which the sign refers.

Dear Ohio Turnpike,

Thanks for catching up to the late 1990s and finally using E-ZPass. You rock.

Dear Raising Canes,

Your sauce is crazy delicious. SO freaking yummy! But what the heck is up with your entrances to the drive-thru? It's like navigating a maze in a car. I feel like you're applying an IQ test before people can eat at your establishment. I'm not saying that's a deal-breaker.

Dear Adam from Man Vs Food,

I'm worried about you. Seriously. You need your agent to renegotiate your contract to include cholesterol testing, appropriate meds as prescribed and the occasional stress test. Hey, you're fun to watch, but there is no way you can get approved for life insurance. You need to think about the future.

Dear Any Bus Driver Who Gets the Chance,

Please run over Heidi and Spencer. Back up. Run them over again. Please feel free to repeat as you deem necessary. Thanks from a grateful nation.